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TERMINATOR SALVATION - Aka...We'll Keep Making Them If You Numbskulls Keep Paying


By Ian Specter - Posted on 16 June 2009

The Hollywood sequel machine just keeps on regurgitating. Has Hollywood had an original movie idea in the last 20 years? Are there enough machinery swipes from the Matrix movies? Is it safe to assume that a couple of years after 2018 there will be a time machine? Oh goody — I'll be alive to see that.

Unless I uncase my AK-47 and allow my carcass to be used as target practice by the local Po-Po after emptying 80 rounds into a leisurely moving Prius.

But, I digress…

According to recent Hollywood "intellect," any number of versions of the same person at different ages will be able to exist in the same place at the same time because of time travel and there will be no "paradox issues."

Anyway; this snoozer involves the "grown up" John Conner as a leader in the "resistance" in the post apocalyptic world of Skynet. Everything about this movie is based on World War II — from the rounding up of humans (Jews) in "cattle cars" to be "processed" at the Skynet headquarters (Concentration Camps) to the "resistance" (French Underground) in WWII. The only thing missing is Hitler, but a computer generated cameo of Arnold Schwarzenegger suffices. Hey, he's an Austrian — same difference as a kraut, just more steroids. By the way, Arnie, thanks for giving some time back to the art community while your beloved cinco syllabic state is hemorrhaging money faster than King Hippo blowing top while watching Maria Sharapova’s comeback at the French Open.

So, John Conner rejects the command for a coordinated attack on Skynet because he wants to save his father (the character Kyle Reese) who has been caught in a "round up" and is being held at Skynet headquarters in San Francisco. He knows that Reese is his father because of the tapes his (now dead) mother left him which explained “the situation."

His father just happens to be younger than he is — WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

So, apparently Kyle Reese's jaunt back in time DID fuck up the timeline. But WHO CARES? It's Hollywood — WE CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK WE WANT AND NOT HAVE TO MAKE ANY LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS FOR ANYTHING! I mean, if time travel is so damn easy — why not go back in time and destroy Skynet before it gets going? DUH!!

Now — I know what you are thinking. King Hippo — you seem to be real caught up in this whole plot line for somebody that has a life. Well, let me tell you something, Jonnie Douchebag, I don’t have a life.

Unless you consider — writing for this godforsaken movie review site, collecting comic books and guns, driving to suckle my mom’s teat every other weekend and generally avoiding as much human interaction as possible — a life!!

But look at it this way, JD, you are reading my meandering, worthless thoughts — Not the other way around. That is why I am King Hippo and you are King Douchebag!! But, once again, I digress…

I have to admit, there was one consistency with making San Francisco the headquarters for Skynet. Over the last 50 years it's been taken over (in no particular order) by the queers, the feminist cunts, the illegal aliens, the tree huggers, the military haters, the bums, the child molesters, and the hippies.

So it would only be logical that the "machines" would be welcomed with open arms to take their rightful place on the city council — after all — in San Francisco the minority dictates to the majority.

If you're into mindless special effects and constant action then you'll be happy to join King Hippo at the Jizzathon watching this movie. I'm just tired of the visuals taking the place of good writing and acting and this movie is a perfect example.

To think, I passed on the opportunity to see UP instead of this dung heap...

But as long as you mindless lemmings keep jumping, face first, to see a movie because — 20 years ago — before the salt peter of life, squashed your ever-ready erection while you continuously walked around tenting your Levi’s – there was a movie that had a portion of the same title and now you are fated to see any incarnation, thereafter… King Naybob will keep you abreast as to how much your self-imposed Down’s Syndrome has affected your idiotic choice in movies.

I'm about to piss my pants with anticipation with the thought of the new Transformers movie coming out this summer.

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