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THE FIGHTER - Aka...Rocky VII (Only Good)


By King Hippo - Posted on 19 February 2011

I gotta tell ya, whenever there's a "new" boxing and/or sports related movie being touted, my first reaction is WTF?! Except for Raging Bull and Ali, I can't think of a worse genre to use for movie fodder. What's that? Field of Dreams? Was it really THAT good of a movie? Yeah, just as I thought. Take it from King Hippo. My half-Korean daddy didn’t even know what a baseball was. Maybe I am just bitter.

Anyway, I mean, what the fuck is the WNBA?! Why the fuck would anyone pay to see the equivalent of a good men's high school basketball team when you already have the elite playing in the NBA? Beats the hell out of me.

That's why you have roller derby - to give dumbass women something physical to do that they're actually good at. Can you imagine Raquel Welch starring in a movie about playing in the WNBA? I know she’s 70 – that’s not the point. Anyway, it's also why the best known pornstars are WOMEN. It's something that they excel at. Are you starting to get my drift? It's exactly the same reason why there should be no women in the military. It's exactly the same reason why women should not be given top hierarchical jobs. It's exactly the same reason why women should not do stand-up comedy or write on this website!

Women are weaker than men, less funny than men, and are also genetically mentally fucked up from birth! The only reason women are allowed to live, is that Valley of Shangri La between their legs. This is an indisputable FACT.*

Anyway, The Fighter is one of those "based on a true story" type of films, about the professional boxing life of "Irish" Micky Ward who was/is the pride of that northeastern white trash enclave known as Lowell,MA. See, not ALL inbred rednecks come from the south, you elitest cocksuckers...Just 90% of them.

And, as is typical in "family businesses," there are always too many cooks in the kitchen. I am forbidden by my editor from using “there are always too many chiefs and not enough injuns.”

So, everyone wants a piece of Micky for their own selfish reasons. Christian Bale gives the performance of his life with his portrayal of Dicky Eklund, older brother and the former "pride of Lowell" who has degraded to an unreliable crack head, but still thinks that he can coach his brother to the big time. So without further ado, my FIFTH nomination of the year for best supporting actor goes to, drum roll please, Christian Bale.

I only have one quibble with this film. I mean, I know it's not one of those "high budget" or "cutting edge technology" flicks - where expense is no object and computer enhancements abound. But FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, could you have spent more than 20 dollars for the makeup artist?!?!?!? For half this movie, Christian Bale is bopping around with a "bald spot" that looks like they slapped a 2 inch square of masking tape over the apex of his head! WTF?!?!?! And it looks like they didn't even bother to lift the hair up and place it as close to his scalp as possible. Oh, No. They just slapped that wad of tape right over his hair.

God. Where is Ron Popeil when you need him? Maybe his body can be exhumed and he can invent Bald-Spot-In-A-Can for these morons to use. Oh, I forgot, we can't use CFC's anymore since it's destroying the ozone layer which miraculously closed up even before CFC's were banned. I guess the ozone layer sensed the caring liberals' good intentions.

Here’s some breaking news – Ron Popeil is fucking alive. Better post this fast.

 

 

*DISCLAIMER: I have been informed by Dan Cedar that my ongoing tirades about minorities, jews, democrats, liberals, elitists, homosexuals, muslims, and welfare scum have given short shrift to misogyny. For this I apologize. What my rant in the previous paragraphs has to do with this movie - is anyone's guess. I just have a quota to fill. No, not that kind of quota, asshole. Don’t drag my ass into court based on some “reverse discrimination” lawsuit. I, King Hippo, can trace my ancestors back to all seven continents of earth. Tort reform that, mother fuckers!!

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