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TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, SPY - Aka…Cine de Walmart

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 22 January 2012

This particular AMC 30 that had I vowed to never attend again - got my business because I was hamstrung by my limited choices for Tinker. Even tho there seemed a dearth of republicans in the vast gigaplex - I was able to find a white flight suburb within the walls of this, here british import-redux of John le Carré’s 1974 cold war, spy novel.

And I, for the first time since sitting through 2010’s The King’s Speech, felt like a mere pup amongst my fellow interested patrons…most born prior to Winston Churchill.

But let me tell you…the walk in from the parking lot was an adventure. While confidently packing my newly purchased 9mm Glock…I was only slightly fazed by the multiple offers to sell me crack cocaine, tamales and the monetary solicitations from the homeless loitering en masse in front of the AMC.

As I entered the AMC Cine de Walmart Treinta-Plex, my nasal passages were infiltrated with the aroma of cornbread and collard green farts wafting in the air.

As for the movie…I REALLY wanted to like TTSS. Great cinematography… Gritty …setting the mood of both the 1970s and the Cold War. But the true point of a spy film is not its grittiness or mood. It is the story and how it unfolds that narrative while interspersing clues and clearing up questions…if not the fart vapors of the AMC.

Therein lies the problem with TTSS…this 2 hour film was condensed from a 318 page novel which later became a nearly 5 hour BBC mini-series. Since I hadn’t previously eaten at the trough of either of these epics…Old Dan Cedar, your humble reviewer, was relying on the movie to guide me through this heaping helping.

When reading other reviews for TTSS, I got the feeling that some of my more well-versed brethren were familiar with one or both of the previous incarnations. I feel like something got lost in the translation, or maybe…just maybe…Old Dan Cedar is a MO-RON.

I mean the fucking reviews are gushing…

“A thrilling masterpiece.”

“A well-paced, good old-fashioned spook story.”

“A Rose in a throng of thorny, shit-for-brained movies of 2011.”

OK…I admit that I made up that last one. Nevertheless…there was way too damned much gushing over Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

Run-on sentence warning: Generally, if I come home and have to read a Wikipedia page to fully comprehend what I just saw paid $10 dollars to see at a movie, watching the Gary Oldman/Colin Firth combo spend the better part of their time imitating Dwayne Wade/LeBron James struggling for control of the spotlight, with Oldman taking the most of the big shots…and if a story can be explained on a webpage…one would think it could be mastered in a 2 hour movie.

By the end of my viewing…the only farts I was whiffing…were those of the English variety emanating from the screen…a potpourri of traditional Old English nourishment.

Shakespeare’s Juliet with one line encapsulates Romeo and Juliet:

“What's in a name? That which we call a 'rose' by any other name would smell as sweet."

Sarcastic Movie Review’s Old Dan Cedar with one line encapsulates Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy:

“What’s in a name? That which we call a 'trouser cough' by might smell as sweet as anally derived…Crumpets, Tea, Shepherd’s Pie.”

2 Naybobs

Old Dan Cedar

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