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TROJAN BRAND CONDOMS LAUNCHES MASSIVE RECALL


By Ian Specter - Posted on 10 September 2013

Princeton, NJ - The finger pointing has already started as parent company Church & Dwight initiated the largest product recall in company history. Trojan brand president Jonathan Holmes Jr. stood red faced as he chaired a press conference on Monday. "We are extremely embarrassed by the recent turn of events regarding our new line of Bare Skin condoms which was launched in March with a full marketing blitz. We are apologizing to all consumers who bought and used our new product and take full medical responsibility for injuries which may have occurred. Furthermore, we will refund the purchase price of all the recalled product and will include a voucher for any of our, or similar competitor's product."

The chaos began when Bruce "Twink" Camelback arrived at San Francisco General Hospital with what appeared to be a bleeding anus. Completely ignoring HIPAA regulations, attending E.R. MD Jack Mehoff smirked that Camelback is a "frequent flyer", but it usually entails removed large inanimate objects from his rectum, not bleeding or tearing of the anus. "I once removed a Colt .44 can from the man’s ass with my fist, so there's no way in hell he's going to bleed unless an abrasive object was inserted into his anus. Ain’t the fella’s first rodeo…”

Camelback consented to an interview in which he recounted the chain of events. "It was nothing unusual - I just picked up a john at the Castro Theatre, took him home and he put on one of those new Trojan condoms. It kind of felt funny as I was performing fellatio on him - it was if I was at my dentist getting my teeth cleaned. I didn't really think much of it until he flipped me over and shoved what felt like an African pygmy hedgehog up my ass - backwards! I don't need to tell you that the session ended on a bad note. On top of everything, the guy stiffed me! What a prick!"

In Houston, Texas, Victoria Gomez was rushed to surgery to repair what appeared to be multiple abrasions and lacerations to her vaginal wall. "I really don't understand what happened. I was at work during my regular shift at Harlem Knights, and, as usual, took a black fella to one of the "VIP" rooms for a little personal attention. Well, one thing led to another and as he had my face pinned to the seat of the couch, he shoved what felt like a pissed off honey badger into my privates! He was stunned when I screamed, so I don't think that he was doing anything on purpose! Let me tell you, all the fellas around here call me "Bertha"after that five-story tall burrowing machine. With a nickname like that, you know I can take just about anything, but not THAT!"

Investigative reporter Ward Zindler unearthed what appears to be a confidential file from Trojan headquarters. "It looks like there were multiple breaches of design and quality controls for the new condom. My un-named source tells me that Head Designer Ron Popeil Jr. has been shit canned. Apparently, he misinterpreted the directive from upstairs and designed a bear-skinned condom. Popeil grinningly quipped, “I don't want to duck your question, but I never said I was a 'speller'.” If you would have been at my job interview, I said, “I’m a seller". “Now…I’m going to The Masters to watch Carl. You fellas have a GREAT DAY.” He walked away mumbling something about 'is tomorrow a holiday or something?'

Quality Control Manager Carl Spackler has also been given his walking papers. His initials are all over the quality control documents, but when line workers were queried, they all told me that Spackler signed off on everything brought to him without ever double checking. It looks like he spent seven hours of each work day in the bathroom smoking reefer...And his lunch hour doing a stand-up comedy routine in the cafeteria. Spackler, when slapped about the head for comment, claimed that he “had once been a caddy for the Dalai Lama…big hitter, this guy.”

In a related story…American Workers hit an all-time low in productivity.

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