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TWILIGHT - Aka...Virgin Vamps Heavy Petting

By Abzug - Posted on 03 April 2009

Ok, fast forward to chapter four of the DVD (this will save you a little time of blah, blah, blah) and get to the scene of this little hottie vampire movie for one of the best “come and suck me!” looks that will ever be encountered during a regular movie or one of my favorite adult matinees. The bad news is we don’t get to fruition.

Our lust infested hottie is “Bella” Swan who just looked in a magic magnifying glass and then to her main vampire future squeeze, Edward Cullen. Unfortunately, we come to understand, that theirs is a self-imposed celibacy - though there are many more of these incredible suck me looks throughout the movie. I had to keep a pillow beside me for a little dry humping. At times I wanted to slap this little vamp, but then I wanted to make sweet love to her. I have a hard time separating the two at times. Bella moans that she is one that “suffers in silence” at the beginning of the movie. I think what she really means is that she is not a screamer but her facial expressions are just fine for the memory banks to be used for that late night jerk fest.

Thank god for slow motion.

Every vampire is easily noticed, just look for a good looking teenager with a pale complexion that is on the edge of a growing a uni-brow.

For a teenage girl, Bella seems a scoche overly elated to be driving a piece of shit old Chevy pick-up.

All the other non-vampire ridden teenagers have a happy go lucky goofy-ass look poured all over their faces. The northwest is crying out for a new colony of blood seekers - especially the young and hot ones. Of course, this is what vampires seek. I feel secure in the knowledge that Bill Gates’ son is safe.

As a serious Seinfeld fan, I took note that our first blood sucking victim was none other than Elaine’s instant promotional psycho Eddie Sherman from “The Fatigue’s” episode. Ahhh, I finally had a connection to this piece of crap movie.

Edward confronts the messy little fact that Bella is his personal “Heroin”. Doesn’t everyone have this little personal heroin thing that they have to confront? The trail of needlemarks on my arms is extremely comforting – thanks very much. This brought to mind a very esoteric question, “Is heroin bad for you – if you don’t inject it?”

But maybe I am delving too deep in this haughty vampire celibacy-fest.

Our hot, little (heroin) heroine has one of the funniest vampire lines - “Three things I am absolutely positive. First, Edward is a vampire (ok, cool). Second, he wants my blood (just where do you intend on sucking this out of?). Third, I am in love with him.”

The teen angst exhibited in this movie has a proportionally nauseating effect on the stomach of any person over 17. Even though nobody is getting laid, or maybe for just this reason, this movie is sucking the life out of me.

When little Bella falls prey to the cooler, hotter crowd of “reality” vampires, it is up to Edward to save her by sucking out the bad blood and resisting the temptation to pull her into his gang. And why resist? Bella would be cool to suck on - around the clock.

Twilight is made for the young teenage crowd full of hot comely – wishing they were cumly girls. This movie is not for a person who is actually “thinking” but is for that young, hip crowd that will walk away thinking, “Hey, this movie will give me some great masturbation material when my parents send me to bed at 9pm. If that is what we all get out of this two hours – maybe I have more in common with the masses attracted to this movie than I thought.


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