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UNKNOWN - Aka...I Would Eat January Jones' Ass...Oh, Sorry. Was I Supposed To Be Paying Attention To The Plot?


By King Hippo - Posted on 21 July 2011

I guess Liam Neeson has taken the baton from Harrison Ford, who initially took the hand-off from Steve McQueen. I wonder who's anchoring this relay. It appears Neeson has comfortably eased himself into the entertaining, yet predictable, action hero mode, sans the Schwarzenegger/Stallone steroid physique...and the plastic surgery...and the ass ugly mistresses. But I digress...

Anyway, Neeson plays Dr. Martin Harris who is traveling with his wife Elizabeth(January Jones)to give a talk at a biotechnology summit in Berlin. After arriving at their hotel, he rushes back in the taxi to retrieve his briefcase which he forgot at the airport. On the way back, the taxi is involved in an accident in which Neeson's head is cracked open and he is thrown into a canal.

The female taxi driver bravely dives into the icy water to save the unconscious Dr. Harris. Don’t get that kind of service in the Cash Cab - especially if you’re an innocent, dim-witted pedestrian on the streets of Vancouver.

Upon awakening several days later at a local hospital Neeson finds that he cannot remember much. He finally does remember his wife, which hotel they are staying, and the talk he is supposed to give at the conference. The talk was entitled, “Geez, I would really like to eat my wife’s ass.”

Coincidence?

Only in a half-ass conceived movie or a half-ass movie review by one King Hippo.

The only problem is that the people he thought he knew have no clue who ’he’ is...or are acting like they don't know him.

Oooooooh, scary. Kind of like when Dan Cedar shows up at his family reunion...dressed like Dr. Frank-N-Furter bursting out into song every five minutes.

The other problem is that all of a sudden surly creeps are trying to kill Neeson and anyone associated with him...kind of like when Dan Cedar shows up at his family reunion...dressed like Dr. Frank-N-Furter.

Luckily Dr. Harris has his martial art skills come back to him and Dr. Frank-N-Furter has his cleaver.

Maaa!!! AGAIN…where’s my fucking Meatloaf?

Ok, here's the problem with this movie. It's already been done - it's called The Bourne Identity – not The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Every one of you, but Dan, already knew that.

The plot takes an interesting twist, and, unlike all you geniuses out there who ”knew” right off the bat what was going on, King Hippo was blissfully in the dark about what the hell was going on until the 2/3rd point of the movie. Kind of like the last nurse I dated. It took her awhile to figure out “just the tip” wasn’t six inches.

That makes me 1/3 smarter and more well hung than Dan Cedar, who, undoubtedly would have exclaimed at the very end, "I don't get it!"

As for the nurse – she did.

Her rectal temperature was measured at a perfectly deep fried 98.6 Fahrenheit.

Even in January.

Coincidence??

Only in a half-ass movie review on this wit-forsaken website.

Five Naybobs for January Jones

Three Naybobs for the movie

King Hipster

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