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ZERO DARK THIRTY – Aka…Bigelow Busts Inaugural Balls

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 24 January 2013

For those faithful lambs that follow Old Dan Cedar like King Hippo shadows an Ice Cream Truck…slowly and deliberately through the suburban towns of America in a white Pedo van, you are probably already aware that your humble reviewer has previously declared Stevie Spielberg’s Lincoln as the Best Moving Picture of 2012.

Looks like, I’m gonna have to pull Keith Jackson out of retirement and give y’all a big, “Whoa, Nellie!!”

Don’t get me wrong…Stevie and his little homage to the greatest president of all time WILL come away with the golden statuettes in late February, but as Ed Murphy said, “There’s a new sheriff in town”.

It just ain’t Reggie Hammond.

This new Sheriff is one Jessica Chastain. She plays a CIA operative (Maya) that is obsessed with tracking down a 6’4” singular hunk of shit. One Osama Bin Laden. She’s a woman with a badge and she’s every swinging dick’s worst nightmare. As a bonus, she makes Old Dan Cedar’s teeny weanie hard when the wind blows. And I’ve NEVER been to prison.

But I’ve digressed.

Let’s move to the reasons that Zero Dark Thirty WON’T WIN Best Picture.

The Director, Kathryn Bigelow, doesn’t pull the punches where Hollywood expects them to be pulled. Any inference that the George W. Bush endorsed torture led to the capture of UBL is WAY too uncomfortable for the Obama Blowers on the left coast.

Why would Bigelow do this?

She is from San Francisco. There are inferred shots at George W. Bush throughout The Hurt Locker. Her ex-husband is James Cameron (the most narcissistic, tree hugging, Lefty Lucy in the Sky, with his peyote filled delusional Titanic Diamonds).

No right winged indications, right??

Oh, I almost forgot, she’s already got her fucking Best Director Academy Award and she is not prepared to compromise in making the best movie possible.

The Truth???

Did I mention that Bigelow was married to James Cameron????….


The Truth???

Hell, I don’t know how much of Zero Dark Thirty is actually TRUE. NEITHER DO YOU!!

It doesn’t matter. It’s not a fucking documentary.

The inferences are there, though. Obama is a follower, not a leader. He was painfully slow in pulling the trigger (figuratively) on bin Laden.

Best story…Torture helped capture UBL and a lone CIA agent drove the bus to his front door.

Whether, Dan Cedar, John McCain, Dianne Feinstein, or the The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences likes it or not.

The Truth???

If you want just the facts, listen or read some accounts of Middle East expert Peter Bergen. He wrote a book called Holy War, Inc. and three other books on the War on Terror. To my thinking, he is the most credible journalist on Al Qaeda. Bergen was the guy that Bin Laden told in a 1997 interview that he was declaring a war on America.

Bergen says, “ ‘Maya’ was a man. The torture is overblown and didn’t lead directly to the capture of Bin Laden.”

Dan Cedar’s Truth???

Bigelow knew exactly what she was doing.

She was making the most riveting, best picture of 2012.

We’ll know more in 40 years. By then, Feinstein, McCain, Bergen and Dan Cedar will be full of maggots and pushing up daisies. Chastain will be just about ready to receive her Lifetime Achievement Award from The Academy. Obama’s giant ears will be carved into Mount Rushmore. And Zero Dark Thirty will be recognized for its greatness.

For now: Bigelow, Zero Dark Thirty, Screenwriter Mark Boal and Jessica Chastain get Old Dan Cedar’s vote for the best of 2012.

And that means exactly…JACK SHIT!!

Except to all of my sheep out there.


Old Dan Cedar

Five Naybobs

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