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LOOPER – Aka…Why Rotten Tomatoes, CNN and Hollywood ALL Suck

By Old Dan Cedar - Posted on 26 December 2012

Here’s the way that the majority of Looper movie reviews go on Rotten Tomatoes…ambitious film thriller takes us into a whole new dimension of time travel from third time director Rian Johnson…blah, blah, blah…Richard Roeper says and I fucking quote…

“Writer-director Rian Johnson establishes himself as an original talent who clearly believes storytelling must prevail”...check it out if you doubt Old Dan Cedar’s veracity.


The Rotten Tomatoes critic’s ranking is 94% with constant comparisons to the smart dialogue and clever storytelling of TheTerminator.

The miniscule naysayers say that it is just a rip-off of TheTerminator.

Hey kids, before we go giving James Cameron another blowjob for how great he is, let’s remember that Cameron had to secretly pay off Harlan Ellison, a sci-fi writing dwarf, that has managed to get himself married five times… who published a story called, “Soldier from Tomorrow” in the late 50s. And afterwards, Ellison’s name was miraculously added to the credits of TheTerminator.…in the “Thanks…Acknowledgement to the works of”…Category. Check it out on IMDb. You will find him just below “Extras Wrangler”.

CNN’s review headline… and I fucking quote,”'Looper': A smart but confusing thriller”


How is a movie ‘smart’, but confusing???

I will tell you how…either the reviewer is admitting that he was too stupid to ‘get it’ or he is smart, but somebody had to explain it to him afterwards. Which would make the movie…Anyone? Anyone?

CONFUSING BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn’t make this shit up.

If you don’t believe me. Check it out…AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

The gist of the story is that there is this guy who is a ‘Looper’. He closes loops (by killing people) in the time travel world to keep everyone from catching on to the obvious question raised by the time travel naysayers, “Well, if there IS time travel, huh, huh…then why don’t we have people coming up and telling present day humans that they are from the future all the time?”

Not a bad premise…. if it was already dreamed up, I don’t know…sixty fucking years ago by the aforementioned sci-fi writing midget.

Don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with the idea that Bruce Willis is the guy in the future “Old Joe”, and that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is “Young Joe”. And that, at some point after thirty years, this ‘loop’ has to get closed or, god forbid, King Hippo can’t believe in time travel anymore.

Here is the problem. What I like about Bruce Willis is that he is smart ass. Zinging off one-liners and bullets with equal, rapid fire action that gives NYC mayor Bloomberg an excuse to make him a prime target for his warrantless ‘stop and frisk’ policy in present day New York City.

But, this “genius” writer/director, Rian Whathisface, has spent a lot of time convoluting this plot without giving us enough Bruce Willis’ one-liners, to distract us from querying the time travel dork sitting next to us, “Hey, (insert Com-Con Dork’s name here…King Hippo) is it just me or are you expecting Schwarzenegger to show up at any moment?”

As of the writing of this review, Harlan Ellison’s name doesn’t show up with any acknowledgements on IMDb in the Looper credits, but with five ex-wives' mouths to feed…I wouldn’t bet against it in the future. And
it sure as hell won’t take thirty years.

There are three things that you CAN count on.

One….Harlan Ellison has probably got a giant horse cock.

Two…If there are Loopers, why wouldn’t Rian Whatshisface just send them back in time to kill the giant cocked dwawf and James Cameron that closes the repetitive story loop?

Three…You can skip all of those other websites for your reviews and just save to your bookmarked websites because CNN and Rotten Tomatoes aren’t going to let Old Dan Cedar play in their reindeer games anytime soon.

Too much cussing and too many fucking exclamation

Merry Christmas!!!

Old Dan Cedar

Two Naybobs (Barely)

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